Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a minute; set him on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

He’s so far in the closet he’s in Narnia

I dream of a better tomorrow… where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

This girl rang me up one time, she says “come over, nobody is home”, I went over, no one was home…

That Jesus Christ guy is getting some terrible lag… it took him 3 days to respawn!

I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

Headline: ISRAEL PULLS OUT OF GAZA, GAZA NOT PREGNANT

Womens faults are many, while men have only two. Everything they say and everything they do.

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